All tied up (too real)

I think I was around 9 years old, when I saw my neighbors chase down my mom on a road behind our fence, pin her down to the ground, tie her with ropes and spit on her. There might have been a few kicks thrown in for good measure and a whole bunch of yelling. It was hard being me in that moment, as my impulse was to help her, rescue her from the abuse. But they were many. And I was 9, and there was only one of me.

I climbed up the fence and watched. Helpless to help. Shocked and confused. Watched the whole thing from a few feet away, knowing there was nothing I could do.

They let her go eventually. She ended up taking them to court over this and brought me in as a witness. I described what I saw to the judge, who then asked me what my opinion was about "all of this fighting". I said: "I really just want us to get along. It's quite sad that we can't." So the judge dismissed the case as a way of agreeing with me. "See, your son just wants you all to get along. So go ahead and just make peace with them and stop all of your fighting." No charges were pursued by the court.

Mom seemed mad and quiet on her way home. I had a feeling I did something wrong. But I was also confused. I wasn't asked if what my neighbors did was wrong, or if there should be consequences for them. Just how I felt about it all. And my honesty got me in trouble. My answer to the judge echoed in my head for years. The feeling didn't disappear, it anchored itself around all of the tragedies in my life as a naively logical solution to most of the conflicts. As a prayer to the universe. A clearly seen vision of a world were collaboration and friendship can bring long lasting peace and progress.

Yet the universe I lived in never answered my prayer, it was too busy being drunk, poor and mentally ill to even notice. "I really just want us to get along. It's quite sad that we can't" eventually stopped being words, and just became tears streaming down my face, no longer just about me, no longer just about us, but pretty much about everyone and everything.

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